I kind of forgot about my Blog. Well, really, I abandoned it. I am not much of a writer and I only have 3 followers, so my attention to this blog was minimized by the countless other things I need to do in a day. I may return sometime. I feel like it may be soon. But, I digress. I was going through this account and found this draft that I never published. I think I know why. It's very personal to me. It's not a happy account of my life at that time and that's very sad to me. It seems I find myself 6 years later in the same headspace--trapped by the same dogma-- not enough time in the day, personal strife interfering in my dreams and fear of just about everything it seems these days. When I got to the end of this and read the Steve job's quote I decided I would go ahead and post this even if it is many years later because it still holds true.
I can give you, the reader, some resolution on this. I left that "opportunity" after 5 years. It turned out to be the biggest mistake ever and cost me my confidence and health. I have moved on to an new job, which actually takes me back to my roots as, you guessed it, a graphic designer. Well maybe I can't escape the commercial art in me, but I will at least allow myself the moniker of artist.
6 years ago"
Turns out--I really enjoy fine art! Well, I already knew that. Wish I could be more self absorbed to make it my living. I mean that in a pragmatic kind of way--the kind that knows family comes first and bills need to be paid. The lack of focus to market my work to the right people (aka fear of failure ) and to produce a great body of work (aka dreamer, procrastinator and biggest critic) are the clearest reasons for not having that CV 3 pages long of past and present exhibitions. Working for Trader Joe's was a step in the right direction to make art more of my career. I was suppose to work part-time and use the rest of the day to create art--using my art talents for Trader Joe's was just a happy accident! Don't get me wrong though, sign art is still a commercial field, but it did give me a renewed confidence in my hand skills and my creative thinking. The first week on the job my hands and ego were a little shaky. The crew of artists employed to create signage the old fashioned way are really a talented bunch. Surprising to find, well, at a grocery store. It was a good feeling to be considered part of such a team. Too bad I am now walking out the door.
I should celebrate this departure, for it opens up another career changing opportunity. I should be extremely impressed that I went for it and got it--a corporate job, for a world-wide company, using my design skills and talent for marketing. I am happy, but somehow the taste is bitter-sweet. It means I'll be putting the fine artist dream on hold for yet another day. That would be ok, if I were just starting out in adulthood, wide-eyed and fresh. But, when another birthday is just a month away, and I've celebrated what may be half of what we are given, I wonder how much longer I should hold on to the "I am artist" ideal. Should I let it be a young child's dream, and instead fully embrace the commercial art path that has been laid out for me? The one that seems to beckon me back time and time again. If I prefer the moniker of "fine artist", why do I continue to feel more comfortable as the "commercial artist". Why do I retreat from the little successes that I attain as a fine artist? Maybe the me I see is not the me you see. Or maybe it is and I just can't believe it. I guess either way, art will be a part my life always, even if I have to call it graphic design!
I ran across this quote on facebook shortly after Steve Jobs died. It's part of a commencement speech he delivered at Standford. It's suppose to be inspirational. When I read it, I cried.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
2/2/18
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